Monday, November 8, 2010

Agent Oompa (Code name: Loompa)

Victor C. Pellegrino says: The paragraph is a unit of thought, expressing a single idea, communicated through related sentences.

Thanks, Victor! I figured I should begin this blog post with someone's definition of what a paragraph is, because much of what follows is unlikely to meet anyone's. My brain is tired. I wrote my ass off today. I think it fell off somewhere around the last feverish bout of scribbling I did when...wait...what?! I wrote my ass off...? I admit I'm curious as to why I'd be holding my pen there.

Or what the hell I might be typing with right now.

Anyway, I worked on a few ebooks today. Given the time of year it is (personally, I hate November; I think of it as the lame middle brother of the fabulously cool October and December) many people would assume I was working on my NaNoWriMo book whilst having my butt fall off my body and plop to the floor. Of course, many doesn't describe the number of people who read my blog, so I have no idea what you who're reading this patch of italics might assume I was working on so strenuously today. Though if you happen to be that reader from Singapore, or the one from South Korea, I'd love to know whether it was the erotica story or the one about the serial killer, the detective, and the twisted letter that brought you here via Smashwords. Okay, okay, it was the sex story. (Note to self: You were right. After the serial killer blew his head off, you should have introduced the detective's sudden onset penchant for necrophilia and thrown the story several thousand feet past sideways.)

All that having been said, I'll repeat that I worked on a few ebooks today, and report that I learned my lesson. One of my new ebooks follows a female porn star-turned-serial killer who stalks and kills FBI profilers named Stan. Because the FBI doesn't have any profilers named Stan, her new career has been rather uneventful, and I'll admit it's been a damn boring book up until today. I'm pleased to note, however, that after carefully analyzing my outline, I'm confident I solved my plot's major flaw by making her a tax attorney-turned-serial killer who stalks and kills FBI profilers named Stan. Oh yeah, baby! I'm freakin' positive I tweaked this bitch to huff and puff and blow the reader's mind! Because, let's face it, tax attorney is way more Patterson than porn star is.

Anyway, one of the three ebooks I worked on today is a science fiction adventure. The other two are fantasy adventures. If you're still reading this sentence, I bet you wish you'd stayed on Smashwords or Twitter, huh? (That'll teach ya to screw with my blog's carefully zeroed out stats!)

You should read: John Grisham. (I think it's important for all of us to support non-independent authors. Hey, not everyone can be writer enough to handle the Smashwords Meatgrinder. I have it on good authority that said contraption gives Iris Johansen the willies.)

No comments:

Post a Comment